Please

I'm begging myself to just stop all of this I want to eat crap, I'm losing motivation quick and it feels like a landslide. I think it's partially due to the fact that I ran out of cigarettes yesterday and all the times I'd go outside to smoke I'm filling up with eating. To be honest I'd take a cigarette over any type of food any day, but it doesn't help when you don't have them.


My dad for sure said that by mid March he's getting a membership (after all his doctor appointments, because he's going to start exercising than too). I tried doing exercises at home and didn't realize you have to do them every other day when you start out even though you're really sore, so I should have done them yesterday. My legs felt like they were about ready to snap off, so I just assumed you had to wait until they didn't hurt anymore (which was more than likely some lame excuse).


So, doing the whole practically no food is not working, because I end up binging at the end of the day. So, I've done my calculating on fitday free calorie counter and I figured out that by May 1st I can weigh 105 pounds with eating 800 calories a day. Which is still quite a lot, but since I've been exercising and will have the opportunity to exercise regularly I should be able to acquire my goal a little sooner than this.


So, I've had a wheat bagel today (300 calories included with some margerine) and then for lunch I can have a 200 hundred calorie something if I feel that I really need to eat something and than I can have a 300 calorie dinner. I think some of these calories I'll be able to cut back on because I'll feel like there's less pressure, but still 800 calories is not enough to make me feel so horribly guilty about eating that I'll binge and it's also enough to satisfy my wanting to eat because of the lack of control and cigarettes.


Stay strong, fight the urges,
Amy

This is getting rediculous...

I ate so much and I want to eat more, I'm waiting and I can't stop from wanting to scarfe down all of my angsiaties (no clue how to even fucking spell that shit, fuck dictionary.com). I want to smoke another cigarette but I only have two left. Fuck being positive all the time, it's only led me to hurting myself again and being okay with being a fucking fat ass and that's not okay!

I havn't cut in probably over a year and I ended up doing it again last night, I felt so numb afterwards and I can never tell whether I love or hate the feeling because I can't really feel anything once I do it. It was fairly deep, but I stopped short when I looked down and realized how deep I pushed the razor in, so I feel like a fucking flake for it. I don't want to sit here anymore, I want some fucking excitement. People need to make up their god damn minds about hanging out with me. This whole routine is getting really old really fast and I want something new. At least something better..

I want this fat to disapear and get the fuck off my body, leave me feeling light as a feather.

Fuck my lack of self control,
Amy

Snow, Tea, Thin

Weighed myself this morning: 112.8. I'm so happy I'm finally gettting back to where I was, I think the quick weight loss is partially due to eating breakfast. I'll eat a 150 calorie breakfast and it really helps to speed up my metabolism through out the day and I already have a fairly fast metabolism.

There was a snow day today! :D I had a really big project due too, so this is fantastic news. However, I'm a little worried about lazing around at home since that means there will be more opportunities to just wonder into the kitchen, then just happen to stumble upon some goodies, who just happen to find their way into my stomach. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to keep myself in check though, I'm psyching myself up right now by looking at thinspo and thinking of reasons why I want to be thin. Here are some of the main reasons I want to be thin:

1. Thin is beautiful

2. I want to be able to get up in the morning and not have to worry about wearing clothes that hide my bulge

3. I want to walk down the street knowing that guys are oggling and girls are furiously jealous

4. I want boys to hug me and compliment me on being so skinny (well anyone really)

5. I want to wear what ever I want and still feel good about myself

6. Sex appeal

7. Control

8. More accepted, which means less lonely

9. More out going beacuse you're more confident

10. I can finally feel at home in my own skin because thin is who I am and want to be

Think about some of the reasons why you want to be thin.
P.S. Some of these reasons may seem a little redundent, but they are all very seperate things to me.

Have a wonderful day :)

♥ Amy



Inspirational Quote #2

"Still hanging on for what?
Can't operate, fired up
I won't eat and I won't sleep for you

No rest untill I get through
'Cause I'm holding out for you
Am I the only one who's insane?"

~Ladyhawke
My Delerium

Side Note: I checked my scale just to make sure it wasn't off and it's not. :) I was a little worried for a second that my progress could have been just due to a falty scale. All is well though and there may be a snow day tomorrow! There are few things I like about school, but one is the fact that it gets me into a routine and out of the kitchen, so I'm a little bit worried about the snow day. I'll manage though, hopefully I'll just sleep most of the day.

♥ Amy

Today = Success

I weighed myself this morning and (drum role please).... 114.4! I know that's still a lot more than I'd like to weigh, but I thought my weight would sky rocket since I last weighed myself last night, which was about 115.2. Another big acomplishment, resisting fast food that was right under my nose. Well, sort of resisted, I had one small bite of a cheeseburger and one french fry than realized if I ate fries and a burger all my progress would be lost. So, I took my plate up to the bathroom and commenced to chew chew chew until it was mushy glop and not flavorfull at all, then I actually spit it back out. It's gross, I know, but I actually resisted swallowing it and I never thought I'd be able to do that.

I found that when ever I eat I barely chew it because that's when it tastes and feels the best and that's why I found it so hard to spit out. But chewing it up really well (to the point where you don't even want to swallow it anymore) allows you to still get the texture and flavor with out the guilt and it's loads better than turning to mia and a lot less damaging to your body. I'm sure you end up swallowing little bits of left over food in your mouth, but not enough to make a huge impact and definitely not enough to set you back several days. This method also makes eating more of a chore, so it helps with wanting to eat less because of the effort it takes, if you can stick with it.

So, to anyone going through this; stay positive, no matter how bad you're feeling always find something good about yourself you can focus on (be it simply you like the way your nails turned out), and last but certainly not least stay strong.

♥ Amy

A Nice Surprise

Well, I'm happy to say that this morning I weighed myself and even after eating breakfast I weighed 117.6. Which is definitely a high number but it's so much better than what I was expecting. I also resisted eating a cheeseburger at lunch today, it was in my hand and everything but I ended up giving it to someone else.

I came home today after school and ate more than I should have, but I'm pretty sure I've managed to stay under 600 calories (probably right at 600). I weighed myself again after I came home and ate and I weighed 114.4! I couldn't believe it, but that's probably because I havn't drank very much water today (which is pretty much all I ever drink) and my food hadn't started to really digest and what not. That still was enough motivation for me to put down my foot and stop eating though. Hopefully this determination will last through the night and maybe I'll be in the 116s by tomorrow.

♥ Amy

New Inspiration

I went and stayed at my sisters place for a couple of days and tried to stay away from all the delicious foods, but unfortunately I yet again gorged myself. I don't mind as much as I usually would though, I love being around my sister and I'm so glad I stayed with her. I just feel like I need to be more positive and that's exactly what I'm going to do.


 I love my sister to death and after talking with her I've realized that one of my most major set backs is not being able to feel good about myself and work hard for what I want. I want to be thin so I have to work for it, which means regular exercise and finding ways to iron up my will. As for not feeling good about myself, if I keep getting depressed about my weight and how I look than I'll just keep stress eating (bringing yourself down in order to motivate yourself is just about the worst kind of motivation, because it makes you become very unstable). I'm still really nervous to step on the scale though, I'm pretty sure I've gone up to about 118 if not 119. But I'm taking a step in a new direction and I feel like I might finally be getting back on track.


♥ Amy

Idol, Kaya Scodelario

Kaya Scodelario has got to be one of the most gorgeous girls in the world, she's an incredible inspiration to me, too. Everything about her is absolutely amazing, maybe it's just because she plays such a cool character on Skins, but I'd like to think though that she's somewhat like that in real life (even if she isn't though she's still a big inspiration).

♥ Amy

Inspirational Quote #1

"I made it too far to look back down
But I aint never ever gone forget what I been told
And I aint never ever going back to being broke --
Cuz F-Y-I
I stay on my grind
Trying to stop my shine -- That day'll be never, ever"

~Wiz Khalifa
Never Ever

The Plan

These past couple of days I have been doing nothing but binging, I've been in the state of mind of eating a ridiculous amount, getting depressed about it, then eating more because of it. I had finally gotten down to about 112 pounds and was on a role, but my dad (being a lover of all junk food) yet again got take out and I find it so hard to resist. So, in a moment of weakness I ate a small piece of pizza and that one piece turned into three more and I honestly don't feel comfortable saying the rest of what I've eaten since yesterday.

On the upside though, I might finally be getting a gym membership. I'm the type of person who absolutely detests routine type exercise, but from what I've been reading it's a necassary component of ana. I really need to tone up anyways, I don't just want to be skinny but have a body I can really be proud of and love.

Tomorrow is a new day though and I hate putting things off until the next day (it just feels like I'm making excuses) but I'm bringing down the hammer, no more than 400 calories. We can do this, I can do this, it's possible because people have done it, still are and still will.

 This is not me, when I post a picture of myself I'll be sure to say so

♥ Amy

Start

Hi,
I guess I should start by introducing myself, but I'm kind of sceptical about using my real name because it's rather uncommon so I think I'll just go by Amy. So, hello my name is Amy. I'm 17 years old and a senior in high school. I'm pro ana and plan on having this blog be dedicated to ana, to help give support to those who need it (myself included).

I recently found out about pro ana and the numerous blogs and such dedicated to it, so this is all rather new to me. Once I started looking into it though, I realized that all of these feelings I've had and that I had kept bottled up inside of me, I'm not the only one who has them. For a long time now I've felt completely alone, even when I'm with family or surrounded by other people. Then I found a pro ana blog and I never felt so at home in my life. I've never been very pretty or exceptional, the only thing I've ever had is thin. Starting around the 8th grade thin started slipping away with out me noticing, but I want it back and I want to be even skinnier than I ever was. Even if no one ends up reading this blog, just being able to vent a little and keep my mind off of food for that much longer is a great relief.

Thanks for listening,
Amy :)